Today I met with the doctor to discuss the next steps. At first we discussed doing the FET of the final embryo this December/January while I'm on Winter Break, but after realizing that the chances of pregnancy/implantation are lower (due to the re-biopsy and re-freezing), I asked what he thought about just going into another cycle. He suggested that we do the FET some time in early November, and should that fail, plan to start another cycle in December (with ER in January). With this plan, I will hopefully be able to do another FET during Spring Break (in March) and then go from there.
I felt better after coming up with this plan, because I'll start BC again soon which makes me feel like I'm actually doing something even if it's just syncing up my period to the right date. He didn't really have an answer as to why the FET failed, and said there could have been a number of different things. My uterine lining was at ~8.6mm (and they aim for over 8). He said that with the next FET cycle, he wanted to add in an Estrace suppository in addition to the Del Estrogen and Progesterone linings and aim for 9mm. He also mentioned that there is a uterine lining test that can be done, but he usually doesn't recommend that until multiple failed transfers.
I am still feeling a little down, but am much better than I was. I think the fact that the school year is starting (and that I am not prepared) definitely affected my mood too. I am headed back home tomorrow (with my dad and dog) and will hopefully get back into the groove of things soon. Although I am not looking forward to starting school again, I'm hoping that teaching and working again will help keep me occupied until November!
David and I are also looking into planning a little anniversary vacation somewhere warm! :)
Showing posts with label Del Estrogen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Del Estrogen. Show all posts
Monday, August 8, 2016
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Not-So-Good Grief
Prior to starting our cycle I bought 4 different books on IVF and infertility. None of them cover the grief/loss period in detail. The majority of the books talk about the process of finding a doctor, different fertility treatment options, the STIMS process, transfers, etc. but then spend very little time on what happens if it doesn't work. Infertility for Dummies by Sharon Perkins and Jackie Meyers-Thompson talks about the grief process for 2 half pages (barely 1 full page).
I think I've gone through the majority of the grief stages they discuss (borrowing from On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I'd say right now I'm still in the Depression stage, although every once in awhile I feel like I might be moving into the Acceptance stage...but then I go to sleep, wake up, and the depression hits me again. Someone told me it was "okay" for me to be "mad at God." The thing is, I'm not. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my doctors. I'm not mad at myself nor my husband. I'm just sad. I'm grieving not only the fact that it didn't work, but also the time lost, the money lost, the hope lost, the babies lost.
The doctor retrieved 19 eggs on the day of ER. The next day, we found out that 17 of those 19 eggs were mature, and 11 had fertilized. That day we already went from 19 to 17 to 11. Then by Day 7, we were left with only 4 embryos that made it to blast. That day I grieved the loss of the 7 embryos that didn't make it. A couple weeks later, we got our PGS results back and I grieved the loss of 2 more that were abnormal. The day of the beta, I grieved the loss of the embryo that made it into my womb, but didn't hold on. I'm still grieving this loss.
The past month has been full of difficult things. Our lawnmower broke. My husband's car broke down. There was an issue with my credit when we tried to refinance our home. A water pipe broke. My dog had to go to the ER. I try to look on the bright side of each of these things, but it's pretty tough to do when it feels like everything is going wrong at once.
I really need a vacation.
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| Injection sites after 4.5 weeks of del Estrogen and Progesterone |
The doctor retrieved 19 eggs on the day of ER. The next day, we found out that 17 of those 19 eggs were mature, and 11 had fertilized. That day we already went from 19 to 17 to 11. Then by Day 7, we were left with only 4 embryos that made it to blast. That day I grieved the loss of the 7 embryos that didn't make it. A couple weeks later, we got our PGS results back and I grieved the loss of 2 more that were abnormal. The day of the beta, I grieved the loss of the embryo that made it into my womb, but didn't hold on. I'm still grieving this loss.
The past month has been full of difficult things. Our lawnmower broke. My husband's car broke down. There was an issue with my credit when we tried to refinance our home. A water pipe broke. My dog had to go to the ER. I try to look on the bright side of each of these things, but it's pretty tough to do when it feels like everything is going wrong at once.
I really need a vacation.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
This. Is. The. Worst.
The TWW is THE WORST. Throughout this entire process--the countless injections, the numerous visits to the doctor, all the ultrasounds, the daily blood draws, the violating ultrasounds, the bloating and headaches--this is the worst!
I am currently 5dp5dt (5 days post 5-day [embryo] transfer) and I still have 8 days until my beta pregnancy test (7.27.16). I seriously don't know how I will last that long. I have 2 boxes of FRER Pregnancy Tests sitting on the kitchen table, but I am hoping I will somehow make it to the beta without opening them! Perusing all the online forums, so many women begin POAS (peeing on a stick) starting on day 5, although many of them get a negative at such an early stage. I don't know if I have it in me to do it and get a disappointing result. More seem to get (very) faint lines starting on days 7-9. Day 9 (for me) is this Saturday (7.23.16), which is only a day after I should be expecting Aunt Flo, and only 4 days before the beta, so I keep telling myself if I can wait that long, I can wait a few days more. Who knows. I'm literally taking things a day at a time...an hour at a time?
I cannot even begin to describe how ridiculously difficult these first 5 days has been. Right after the transfer, you start noticing, feeling, and being aware of the tiniest things you (and your body) are doing. Am I peeing too hard? Am I putting too much weight in each step as I walk? Should I drink/eat that? Did I stretch myself too much when I was: putting on my seat belt, reaching for the remote, grabbing my phone, petting the dog, using the microwave, tying my shoe, washing my hair, laughing, breathing, sleeping...every movement, every gesture, every thought, you are worried about jeopardizing the implantation of the embryo(s). You're just certain that that one decision you made (drinking something too cold, laughing too hard, putting on your shirt, reaching for that towel, eating that piece of chocolate) has jeopardized the embryo in some way/shape form! It's a nightmare.
Don't even get me started on the hormones! At this stage, I'm taking nightly injections of Progesterone as well as injections of Del Estrogen every 3 nights. (Del Estrogen is an injectable form of estrogen that is given to help thicken the endometrial lining. Progesterone is produced by the ovary after ovulation, and is given to support embryo implantation.) So here you are naturally worrying about the implantation that is supposed to occur over this 2-week period, and your hormones are completely out of wack. Don't forget that if God forbid, you aren't pregnant, then that means you're about to start your period, so you're possibly PMSing...and if you are pregnant, you have all those hormonal changes/imbalances going on too. I was watching an old episode of 16 and Pregnant yesterday where Farrah gave birth, and as soon as the baby was born and the doctor said "Happy Birthday," I burst into tears.
Every day, night, hour, I am feeling different symptoms that could mean implantation or could mean miscarriage or could mean my period is coming. And unfortunately, after an FET, with all these different things going on, and especially because of the hormone injections, could mean absolutely anything. Also, the Progesterone could prevent a period from coming, so even if you aren't pregnant, and you should be getting your period, you might not, because of the Progesterone.
Normally I can take my mind off things by going to the gym for a couple hours or taking the dog for a walk, but both of these things are a no-no. I can't do my normal stress-reducing workouts and it's too hot during the day to take the dog out (plus he pulls on the leash)...so I am stuck at home watching TV, trying not to eat too much, and constantly perusing message boards (which I need to stop doing).
July 27 cannot come soon enough!
I am currently 5dp5dt (5 days post 5-day [embryo] transfer) and I still have 8 days until my beta pregnancy test (7.27.16). I seriously don't know how I will last that long. I have 2 boxes of FRER Pregnancy Tests sitting on the kitchen table, but I am hoping I will somehow make it to the beta without opening them! Perusing all the online forums, so many women begin POAS (peeing on a stick) starting on day 5, although many of them get a negative at such an early stage. I don't know if I have it in me to do it and get a disappointing result. More seem to get (very) faint lines starting on days 7-9. Day 9 (for me) is this Saturday (7.23.16), which is only a day after I should be expecting Aunt Flo, and only 4 days before the beta, so I keep telling myself if I can wait that long, I can wait a few days more. Who knows. I'm literally taking things a day at a time...an hour at a time?
I cannot even begin to describe how ridiculously difficult these first 5 days has been. Right after the transfer, you start noticing, feeling, and being aware of the tiniest things you (and your body) are doing. Am I peeing too hard? Am I putting too much weight in each step as I walk? Should I drink/eat that? Did I stretch myself too much when I was: putting on my seat belt, reaching for the remote, grabbing my phone, petting the dog, using the microwave, tying my shoe, washing my hair, laughing, breathing, sleeping...every movement, every gesture, every thought, you are worried about jeopardizing the implantation of the embryo(s). You're just certain that that one decision you made (drinking something too cold, laughing too hard, putting on your shirt, reaching for that towel, eating that piece of chocolate) has jeopardized the embryo in some way/shape form! It's a nightmare.
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| IM injection sites: Honestly, the bruising and pain is nothing compared to the TWW! |
Don't even get me started on the hormones! At this stage, I'm taking nightly injections of Progesterone as well as injections of Del Estrogen every 3 nights. (Del Estrogen is an injectable form of estrogen that is given to help thicken the endometrial lining. Progesterone is produced by the ovary after ovulation, and is given to support embryo implantation.) So here you are naturally worrying about the implantation that is supposed to occur over this 2-week period, and your hormones are completely out of wack. Don't forget that if God forbid, you aren't pregnant, then that means you're about to start your period, so you're possibly PMSing...and if you are pregnant, you have all those hormonal changes/imbalances going on too. I was watching an old episode of 16 and Pregnant yesterday where Farrah gave birth, and as soon as the baby was born and the doctor said "Happy Birthday," I burst into tears.
Every day, night, hour, I am feeling different symptoms that could mean implantation or could mean miscarriage or could mean my period is coming. And unfortunately, after an FET, with all these different things going on, and especially because of the hormone injections, could mean absolutely anything. Also, the Progesterone could prevent a period from coming, so even if you aren't pregnant, and you should be getting your period, you might not, because of the Progesterone.
Normally I can take my mind off things by going to the gym for a couple hours or taking the dog for a walk, but both of these things are a no-no. I can't do my normal stress-reducing workouts and it's too hot during the day to take the dog out (plus he pulls on the leash)...so I am stuck at home watching TV, trying not to eat too much, and constantly perusing message boards (which I need to stop doing).
July 27 cannot come soon enough!
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
FET Schedule
I just got off the phone with my nurse. My FET is scheduled for 1:45pm, but I need to check in at 1:15pm. 75 minutes prior to the FET, I need to empty my bladder and then drink 20 oz. of water (12:30pm-12:45pm). They prefer you have a full bladder during the transfer so that they have better visualization during the abdominal ultrasound to help the doctor know where best to implant the embryo.
I am planning on going in for my pre-FET acupuncture appointment at 10:45am (45-minute appt.), then go to lunch with my mom, drink my water, then check in for my FET appt. After the procedure, I will go back and do my post-FET acupuncture appointment, then go home and rest.
The nurse recommends I take it easy for the 2-3 days after the transfer, with no heavy lifting, and light aerobics only (walking, yoga, swimming). I am to continue my del Estrogen and Progesterone injections until the first blood pregnancy test (2 weeks later).
I am getting super nervous/anxious, especially since we are still waiting on the embryology lab to re-biopsy the non-concurrent embryo (they are taking their sweet time!)...in the mean time, I am doing a whole lot of meditating and praying to get me through today and tomorrow!
I am planning on going in for my pre-FET acupuncture appointment at 10:45am (45-minute appt.), then go to lunch with my mom, drink my water, then check in for my FET appt. After the procedure, I will go back and do my post-FET acupuncture appointment, then go home and rest.
The nurse recommends I take it easy for the 2-3 days after the transfer, with no heavy lifting, and light aerobics only (walking, yoga, swimming). I am to continue my del Estrogen and Progesterone injections until the first blood pregnancy test (2 weeks later).
I am getting super nervous/anxious, especially since we are still waiting on the embryology lab to re-biopsy the non-concurrent embryo (they are taking their sweet time!)...in the mean time, I am doing a whole lot of meditating and praying to get me through today and tomorrow!
FET Schedule for Thursday,
7/14/16:
- 10:45am – 1st Acupuncture Appt.
- 12:30pm – Empty bladder, then drink 20 oz. of water before 12:45pm
- 1:15pm – Check in (4th floor) for FET Appt. (Bring photo ID)
- 1:45pm – FET procedure
- ~2:30pm – 2nd Acupuncture Appt. (exact time TBD)
After Transfer:
- Take it easy for 2-3 days; no heavy lifting, light aerobics only (walking, yoga, swimming)
- Continue injections until first blood pregnancy test
Saturday, June 25, 2016
First IM Injection
I had my baseline appointment on 6.23.16. It was similar to the other monitoring appointments during Stims. First, I had my blood drawn and then I had an U/S--except the U/S was to check my uterine lining instead of my follicles. My uterine lining was at 3.4mm.
I had a nurse come to give me my first Del Estrogen injection so she could show my parents how to give an intramuscular (IM) shot (in my rear). I was incredibly nervous given the size of the needles and the location (going in a muscle), but when she looked at the needle gauge and sized me up, she thought because of my BMI, I would be better using a smaller gauge (and shorter!) needle. (Thank God!) I iced the area for approximately 5 minutes while she went over the protocol of drawing up the medication and then she showed my parents how and where to give the injection. The actual injection was pretty painless (I assume because of the icing). I am really glad we hired her to come show us. She was so nice and understanding, and it turns out that not only does she work at our clinic as well, but she had two IVF babies from them that are now 8 and 12 years old! She got pregnant on the first cycle with each of them. It felt good to finally meet someone who went through what I am going through and has two actual beautiful children to show for it. It was so encouraging.
Yesterday, the nurse called to discuss the FET with me. Due to my doctor's schedule, we will be doing the FET on Thursday, 6.14.16 (instead of 6.12.16). This means that I will have my next moderating appointment (to check uterine lining) on 7.9.16. They want to do three pregnancy tests on 7.26.16, 7.28.16, and 8.1.16. Then they want to do two ultrasounds on 8.8.16 and 8.21.16. It's so hard to think that far in advance, and if we will even get to that point.
Right now I am stressing out about plane tickets to fly back home so I can actually spend some time at home this summer before flying back here to get ready for the FET...then I have to fly back after all the pregnancy tests and ultrasounds. This entire process will have taken the majority of the summer (~15 weeks/3 months)!
I had a nurse come to give me my first Del Estrogen injection so she could show my parents how to give an intramuscular (IM) shot (in my rear). I was incredibly nervous given the size of the needles and the location (going in a muscle), but when she looked at the needle gauge and sized me up, she thought because of my BMI, I would be better using a smaller gauge (and shorter!) needle. (Thank God!) I iced the area for approximately 5 minutes while she went over the protocol of drawing up the medication and then she showed my parents how and where to give the injection. The actual injection was pretty painless (I assume because of the icing). I am really glad we hired her to come show us. She was so nice and understanding, and it turns out that not only does she work at our clinic as well, but she had two IVF babies from them that are now 8 and 12 years old! She got pregnant on the first cycle with each of them. It felt good to finally meet someone who went through what I am going through and has two actual beautiful children to show for it. It was so encouraging.
Yesterday, the nurse called to discuss the FET with me. Due to my doctor's schedule, we will be doing the FET on Thursday, 6.14.16 (instead of 6.12.16). This means that I will have my next moderating appointment (to check uterine lining) on 7.9.16. They want to do three pregnancy tests on 7.26.16, 7.28.16, and 8.1.16. Then they want to do two ultrasounds on 8.8.16 and 8.21.16. It's so hard to think that far in advance, and if we will even get to that point.
Right now I am stressing out about plane tickets to fly back home so I can actually spend some time at home this summer before flying back here to get ready for the FET...then I have to fly back after all the pregnancy tests and ultrasounds. This entire process will have taken the majority of the summer (~15 weeks/3 months)!
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
PGS Results
Last Friday (6/17/16) the nurse called me with the PGS results (a week sooner than expected). The news was not great. Out of the 4 blasts biopsied, only 1 was normal. Two were abnormal (1 missing chromosome 2, 1 missing chromosome 17), and the 4th was non-concurrent (inconclusive without further biopsy/testing). To make matters worse, my doctor wasn't able to discuss things until today (5 days later), so there was a lot of anxiety and replaying different scenarios in my mind all weekend long.
I finally spoke to the doctor today and we discussed moving forward with a FET of the normal blast, and the possibility of re-testing the non-concurrent one either now or later on. He said with where we are now (with PGS testing concluding a normal blast), there is a 65% chance of pregnancy, 10% chance of miscarriage, and 58% chance of live birth. Without the PGS, the birth rate would go down to 50%. He said that my attrition rates have been pretty average so far, (although 1 normal out of 3 would be slightly below average; 2 out of 4 would be average).
Part of me is excited to move forward. I am happy that we even get to move forward, but of course my mind starts thinking that if this doesn't work, and the 4th embryo is also abnormal, I'll have to start another cycle...and if I start another cycle, when could that possibly be because I don't have another long break from work until December. I also can't help but think that not having any extra (normal) embryos means there's no chance of a second baby...which is silly because at this point, I should only be focusing on having even one baby--which I would be thrilled, overjoyed, elated, and so blessed to have!
Today will be my last day of birth control, and I have a baseline BW and U/S appointment tomorrow morning at 7:45am. I'm scheduled to start Del Estrogen injections (intramuscularly!) tomorrow evening. We have decided to hire a nurse to come to the house to teach us how to do the first intramuscular (IM) injection. I am thinking my mom will be the one to give me those! Not looking forward to that...
I finally spoke to the doctor today and we discussed moving forward with a FET of the normal blast, and the possibility of re-testing the non-concurrent one either now or later on. He said with where we are now (with PGS testing concluding a normal blast), there is a 65% chance of pregnancy, 10% chance of miscarriage, and 58% chance of live birth. Without the PGS, the birth rate would go down to 50%. He said that my attrition rates have been pretty average so far, (although 1 normal out of 3 would be slightly below average; 2 out of 4 would be average).
Part of me is excited to move forward. I am happy that we even get to move forward, but of course my mind starts thinking that if this doesn't work, and the 4th embryo is also abnormal, I'll have to start another cycle...and if I start another cycle, when could that possibly be because I don't have another long break from work until December. I also can't help but think that not having any extra (normal) embryos means there's no chance of a second baby...which is silly because at this point, I should only be focusing on having even one baby--which I would be thrilled, overjoyed, elated, and so blessed to have!
Today will be my last day of birth control, and I have a baseline BW and U/S appointment tomorrow morning at 7:45am. I'm scheduled to start Del Estrogen injections (intramuscularly!) tomorrow evening. We have decided to hire a nurse to come to the house to teach us how to do the first intramuscular (IM) injection. I am thinking my mom will be the one to give me those! Not looking forward to that...
