Not-So-Good Grief

Prior to starting our cycle I bought 4 different books on IVF and infertility. None of them cover the grief/loss period in detail. The majority of the books talk about the process of finding a doctor, different fertility treatment options, the STIMS process, transfers, etc. but then spend very little time on what happens if it doesn't work. Infertility for Dummies by Sharon Perkins and Jackie Meyers-Thompson talks about the grief process for 2 half pages (barely 1 full page). 

Injection sites after 4.5 weeks of del Estrogen and Progesterone

I think I've gone through the majority of the grief stages they discuss (borrowing from On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I'd say right now I'm still in the Depression stage, although every once in awhile I feel like I might be moving into the Acceptance stage...but then I go to sleep, wake up, and the depression hits me again. Someone told me it was "okay" for me to be "mad at God." The thing is, I'm not. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my doctors. I'm not mad at myself nor my husband. I'm just sad. I'm grieving not only the fact that it didn't work, but also the time lost, the money lost, the hope lost, the babies lost.

The doctor retrieved 19 eggs on the day of ER. The next day, we found out that 17 of those 19 eggs were mature, and 11 had fertilized. That day we already went from 19 to 17 to 11. Then by Day 7, we were left with only 4 embryos that made it to blast. That day I grieved the loss of the 7 embryos that didn't make it. A couple weeks later, we got our PGS results back and I grieved the loss of 2 more that were abnormal. The day of the beta, I grieved the loss of the embryo that made it into my womb, but didn't hold on. I'm still grieving this loss.

The past month has been full of difficult things. Our lawnmower broke. My husband's car broke down. There was an issue with my credit when we tried to refinance our home. A water pipe broke. My dog had to go to the ER. I try to look on the bright side of each of these things, but it's pretty tough to do when it feels like everything is going wrong at once. 

I really need a vacation.

This. Is. The. Worst.

The TWW is THE WORST. Throughout this entire process--the countless injections, the numerous visits to the doctor, all the ultrasounds, the daily blood draws, the violating ultrasounds, the bloating and headaches--this is the worst!

I am currently 5dp5dt (5 days post 5-day [embryo] transfer) and I still have 8 days until my beta pregnancy test (7.27.16). I seriously don't know how I will last that long. I have 2 boxes of FRER Pregnancy Tests sitting on the kitchen table, but I am hoping I will somehow make it to the beta without opening them! Perusing all the online forums, so many women begin POAS (peeing on a stick) starting on day 5, although many of them get a negative at such an early stage. I don't know if I have it in me to do it and get a disappointing result. More seem to get (very) faint lines starting on days 7-9. Day 9 (for me) is this Saturday (7.23.16), which is only a day after I should be expecting Aunt Flo, and only 4 days before the beta, so I keep telling myself if I can wait that long, I can wait a few days more. Who knows. I'm literally taking things a day at a time...an hour at a time?

I cannot even begin to describe how ridiculously difficult these first 5 days has been. Right after the transfer, you start noticing, feeling, and being aware of the tiniest things you (and your body) are doing. Am I peeing too hard? Am I putting too much weight in each step as I walk? Should I drink/eat that? Did I stretch myself too much when I was: putting on my seat belt, reaching for the remote, grabbing my phone, petting the dog, using the microwave, tying my shoe, washing my hair, laughing, breathing, sleeping...every movement, every gesture, every thought, you are worried about jeopardizing the implantation of the embryo(s). You're just certain that that one decision you made (drinking something too cold, laughing too hard, putting on your shirt, reaching for that towel, eating that piece of chocolate) has jeopardized the embryo in some way/shape form! It's a nightmare.

IM injection sites: Honestly, the bruising
and pain is nothing compared to the TWW!

Don't even get me started on the hormones! At this stage, I'm taking nightly injections of Progesterone as well as injections of Del Estrogen every 3 nights. (Del Estrogen is an injectable form of estrogen that is given to help thicken the endometrial lining. Progesterone is produced by the ovary after ovulation, and is given to support embryo implantation.) So here you are naturally worrying about the implantation that is supposed to occur over this 2-week period, and your hormones are completely out of wack. Don't forget that if God forbid, you aren't pregnant, then that means you're about to start your period, so you're possibly PMSing...and if you are pregnant, you have all those hormonal changes/imbalances going on too. I was watching an old episode of 16 and Pregnant yesterday where Farrah gave birth, and as soon as the baby was born and the doctor said "Happy Birthday," I burst into tears. 

Every day, night, hour, I am feeling different symptoms that could mean implantation or could mean miscarriage or could mean my period is coming. And unfortunately, after an FET, with all these different things going on, and especially because of the hormone injections, could mean absolutely anything. Also, the Progesterone could prevent a period from coming, so even if you aren't pregnant, and you should be getting your period, you might not, because of the Progesterone.

Normally I can take my mind off things by going to the gym for a couple hours or taking the dog for a walk, but both of these things are a no-no. I can't do my normal stress-reducing workouts and it's too hot during the day to take the dog out (plus he pulls on the leash)...so I am stuck at home watching TV, trying not to eat too much, and constantly perusing message boards (which I need to stop doing).

July 27 cannot come soon enough!

PGS Results

Last Friday (6/17/16) the nurse called me with the PGS results (a week sooner than expected). The news was not great. Out of the 4 blasts biopsied, only 1 was normal. Two were abnormal (1 missing chromosome 2, 1 missing chromosome 17), and the 4th was non-concurrent (inconclusive without further biopsy/testing). To make matters worse, my doctor wasn't able to discuss things until today (5 days later), so there was a lot of anxiety and replaying different scenarios in my mind all weekend long.

I finally spoke to the doctor today and we discussed moving forward with a FET of the normal blast, and the possibility of re-testing the non-concurrent one either now or later on. He said with where we are now (with PGS testing concluding a normal blast), there is a 65% chance of pregnancy, 10% chance of miscarriage, and 58% chance of live birth. Without the PGS, the birth rate would go down to 50%. He said that my attrition rates have been pretty average so far, (although 1 normal out of 3 would be slightly below average; 2 out of 4 would be average).

Part of me is excited to move forward. I am happy that we even get to move forward, but of course my mind starts thinking that if this doesn't work, and the 4th embryo is also abnormal, I'll have to start another cycle...and if I start another cycle, when could that possibly be because I don't have another long break from work until December. I also can't help but think that not having any extra (normal) embryos means there's no chance of a second baby...which is silly because at this point, I should only be focusing on having even one baby--which I would be thrilled, overjoyed, elated, and so blessed to have!

Today will be my last day of birth control, and I have a baseline BW and U/S appointment tomorrow morning at 7:45am. I'm scheduled to start Del Estrogen injections (intramuscularly!) tomorrow evening. We have decided to hire a nurse to come to the house to teach us how to do the first intramuscular (IM) injection. I am thinking my mom will be the one to give me those! Not looking forward to that...