Not-So-Good Grief

Prior to starting our cycle I bought 4 different books on IVF and infertility. None of them cover the grief/loss period in detail. The majority of the books talk about the process of finding a doctor, different fertility treatment options, the STIMS process, transfers, etc. but then spend very little time on what happens if it doesn't work. Infertility for Dummies by Sharon Perkins and Jackie Meyers-Thompson talks about the grief process for 2 half pages (barely 1 full page). 

Injection sites after 4.5 weeks of del Estrogen and Progesterone

I think I've gone through the majority of the grief stages they discuss (borrowing from On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I'd say right now I'm still in the Depression stage, although every once in awhile I feel like I might be moving into the Acceptance stage...but then I go to sleep, wake up, and the depression hits me again. Someone told me it was "okay" for me to be "mad at God." The thing is, I'm not. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my doctors. I'm not mad at myself nor my husband. I'm just sad. I'm grieving not only the fact that it didn't work, but also the time lost, the money lost, the hope lost, the babies lost.

The doctor retrieved 19 eggs on the day of ER. The next day, we found out that 17 of those 19 eggs were mature, and 11 had fertilized. That day we already went from 19 to 17 to 11. Then by Day 7, we were left with only 4 embryos that made it to blast. That day I grieved the loss of the 7 embryos that didn't make it. A couple weeks later, we got our PGS results back and I grieved the loss of 2 more that were abnormal. The day of the beta, I grieved the loss of the embryo that made it into my womb, but didn't hold on. I'm still grieving this loss.

The past month has been full of difficult things. Our lawnmower broke. My husband's car broke down. There was an issue with my credit when we tried to refinance our home. A water pipe broke. My dog had to go to the ER. I try to look on the bright side of each of these things, but it's pretty tough to do when it feels like everything is going wrong at once. 

I really need a vacation.

FET Schedule

I just got off the phone with my nurse. My FET is scheduled for 1:45pm, but I need to check in at 1:15pm. 75 minutes prior to the FET, I need to empty my bladder and then drink 20 oz. of water (12:30pm-12:45pm). They prefer you have a full bladder during the transfer so that they have better visualization during the abdominal ultrasound to help the doctor know where best to implant the embryo.

I am planning on going in for my pre-FET acupuncture appointment at 10:45am (45-minute appt.), then go to lunch with my mom, drink my water, then check in for my FET appt. After the procedure, I will go back and do my post-FET acupuncture appointment, then go home and rest.

The nurse recommends I take it easy for the 2-3 days after the transfer, with no heavy lifting, and light aerobics only (walking, yoga, swimming). I am to continue my del Estrogen and Progesterone injections until the first blood pregnancy test (2 weeks later).

I am getting super nervous/anxious, especially since we are still waiting on the embryology lab to re-biopsy the non-concurrent embryo (they are taking their sweet time!)...in the mean time, I am doing a whole lot of meditating and praying to get me through today and tomorrow!

FET Schedule for Thursday, 7/14/16:

• 10:45am – 1^st Acupuncture Appt.
• 12:30pm – Empty bladder, then drink 20 oz. of water before 12:45pm
• 1:15pm – Check in (4^th floor) for FET Appt. (Bring photo ID)
• 1:45pm – FET procedure
• ~2:30pm – 2^nd Acupuncture Appt. (exact time TBD)

After Transfer:

• Take it easy for 2-3 days; no heavy lifting, light aerobics only (walking, yoga, swimming)
• Continue injections until first blood pregnancy test