Monday, August 8, 2016

The Next Step

Today I met with the doctor to discuss the next steps. At first we discussed doing the FET of the final embryo this December/January while I'm on Winter Break, but after realizing that the chances of pregnancy/implantation are lower (due to the re-biopsy and re-freezing), I asked what he thought about just going into another cycle. He suggested that we do the FET some time in early November, and should that fail, plan to start another cycle in December (with ER in January). With this plan, I will hopefully be able to do another FET during Spring Break (in March) and then go from there.

I felt better after coming up with this plan, because I'll start BC again soon which makes me feel like I'm actually doing something even if it's just syncing up my period to the right date. He didn't really have an answer as to why the FET failed, and said there could have been a number of different things. My uterine lining was at ~8.6mm (and they aim for over 8). He said that with the next FET cycle, he wanted to add in an Estrace suppository in addition to the Del Estrogen and Progesterone linings and aim for 9mm. He also mentioned that there is a uterine lining test that can be done, but he usually doesn't recommend that until multiple failed transfers.

I am still feeling a little down, but am much better than I was. I think the fact that the school year is starting (and that I am not prepared) definitely affected my mood too. I am headed back home tomorrow (with my dad and dog) and will hopefully get back into the groove of things soon. Although I am not looking forward to starting school again, I'm hoping that teaching and working again will help keep me occupied until November!

David and I are also looking into planning a little anniversary vacation somewhere warm! :) 

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Not-So-Good Grief

Prior to starting our cycle I bought 4 different books on IVF and infertility. None of them cover the grief/loss period in detail. The majority of the books talk about the process of finding a doctor, different fertility treatment options, the STIMS process, transfers, etc. but then spend very little time on what happens if it doesn't work. Infertility for Dummies by Sharon Perkins and Jackie Meyers-Thompson talks about the grief process for 2 half pages (barely 1 full page). 

Injection sites after 4.5 weeks of del Estrogen and Progesterone
I think I've gone through the majority of the grief stages they discuss (borrowing from On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I'd say right now I'm still in the Depression stage, although every once in awhile I feel like I might be moving into the Acceptance stage...but then I go to sleep, wake up, and the depression hits me again. Someone told me it was "okay" for me to be "mad at God." The thing is, I'm not. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my doctors. I'm not mad at myself nor my husband. I'm just sad. I'm grieving not only the fact that it didn't work, but also the time lost, the money lost, the hope lost, the babies lost.

The doctor retrieved 19 eggs on the day of ER. The next day, we found out that 17 of those 19 eggs were mature, and 11 had fertilized. That day we already went from 19 to 17 to 11. Then by Day 7, we were left with only 4 embryos that made it to blast. That day I grieved the loss of the 7 embryos that didn't make it. A couple weeks later, we got our PGS results back and I grieved the loss of 2 more that were abnormal. The day of the beta, I grieved the loss of the embryo that made it into my womb, but didn't hold on. I'm still grieving this loss.

The past month has been full of difficult things. Our lawnmower broke. My husband's car broke down. There was an issue with my credit when we tried to refinance our home. A water pipe broke. My dog had to go to the ER. I try to look on the bright side of each of these things, but it's pretty tough to do when it feels like everything is going wrong at once. 

I really need a vacation.