Not-So-Good Grief

Prior to starting our cycle I bought 4 different books on IVF and infertility. None of them cover the grief/loss period in detail. The majority of the books talk about the process of finding a doctor, different fertility treatment options, the STIMS process, transfers, etc. but then spend very little time on what happens if it doesn't work. Infertility for Dummies by Sharon Perkins and Jackie Meyers-Thompson talks about the grief process for 2 half pages (barely 1 full page). 

Injection sites after 4.5 weeks of del Estrogen and Progesterone

I think I've gone through the majority of the grief stages they discuss (borrowing from On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I'd say right now I'm still in the Depression stage, although every once in awhile I feel like I might be moving into the Acceptance stage...but then I go to sleep, wake up, and the depression hits me again. Someone told me it was "okay" for me to be "mad at God." The thing is, I'm not. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my doctors. I'm not mad at myself nor my husband. I'm just sad. I'm grieving not only the fact that it didn't work, but also the time lost, the money lost, the hope lost, the babies lost.

The doctor retrieved 19 eggs on the day of ER. The next day, we found out that 17 of those 19 eggs were mature, and 11 had fertilized. That day we already went from 19 to 17 to 11. Then by Day 7, we were left with only 4 embryos that made it to blast. That day I grieved the loss of the 7 embryos that didn't make it. A couple weeks later, we got our PGS results back and I grieved the loss of 2 more that were abnormal. The day of the beta, I grieved the loss of the embryo that made it into my womb, but didn't hold on. I'm still grieving this loss.

The past month has been full of difficult things. Our lawnmower broke. My husband's car broke down. There was an issue with my credit when we tried to refinance our home. A water pipe broke. My dog had to go to the ER. I try to look on the bright side of each of these things, but it's pretty tough to do when it feels like everything is going wrong at once. 

I really need a vacation.

Mother's Day

Sunday was Mother's Day. This is a joyous day for some, but difficult for others. All over social media, people start posting Mother's Day memes, photos of themselves with their mothers, their grandmothers, their kids...but what about those who have lost a mother, lost a child, or grieve the child they cannot have? It's easy to become bitter, calloused, and upset.

The most important thing is to know that it's okay to feel that way. It is understandable that given your situation, you might not want to celebrate Mother's Day. It is understandable that all the memes and posts and photos and words of others remind you of your loss, which may remind you of your pain.

What can you do? Well for starters, if you are reading this, and you never thought about how Mother's Day may be hard for some, then I invite you to just be conscious of this. That doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate Mother's Day, but it may be that you are just more sensitive around those who may not enjoy Mother's Day. Perhaps you can adjust the privacy settings of your social media posts so as not to include those who may be hurt by your posts. 

If you're sad on Mother's Day and you know it's going to upset you when you scroll through your social media feed, make it a point to avoid social media on this day. Spend time with someone who may understand your pain or grief. Do something special for yourself. Most importantly, don't hold it against others. Know that those who unknowingly wish you a Happy Mother's Day, or those who are celebrating their mothers or motherhood, are not doing it maliciously, and are not doing it to hurt you. Unless they have gone through the pain of infertility or the pain of losing a mother or child, they are likely unaware of the sadness that a day like this can cause.

Love it or hate it, don't let Mother's Day define you. You are you, and you are worthy and valuable and loved.