Negative

I got the beta results on Wednesday (7.27.16): negative, as suspected. My HCG level was <1. I wasn't surprised to hear the news. The nurse did have some good news. The PGS results for our last (nonconcurrent embryo) came back and the embryo (grade AA) is normal. I will speak to the doctor on 8.10.16 to discuss our next steps. I think he will want to go ahead with another FET of the last embryo before moving forward with another cycle.

I start teaching at the end of August, so the next time I will have the required time off (for an FET cycle) will be in December during Winter Break--although the clinic shuts down during the holidays, so this will also be an obstacle. Another STIM cycle would have to wait until next May...this is what makes things so hard. The failed transfer is devastating, but it's even harder having to wait so long until we can try again. I worry about timing and the clock ticking, and getting through a semester (or two) of teaching. 

The day I got the news, I felt okay...and was happy to hear the news about the normal embryo...but in the days following, and especially this weekend, I have gotten more depressed. It is hard to get out of bed, to eat, to take showers. I don't want to do anything. I have 4 classes to prep for this upcoming semester, plus a textbook chapter to write, and I do not have the energy or ability to do so. I feel like I'm dying.

Did I mention that my best friend had her (first) baby the day after I found out? Of course I am happy for her, but I have to tell you I have had to unfollow so many people on social media this week. It seems like everyone is posting pictures of their baby bumps, showers, baby rooms, kids, etc. (I also decided to unfollow people who have been posting election-related stuff that I disagree with...because, really, who needs that?) 

I did come across this article about HGTV's Flip or Flop couple, Tarek and Christina El Moussa. It turns out that after they found out about Tarek's thyroid cancer, they were told they should not try to get pregnant for 6 months to a year, so they decided to sperm-bank and do IVF. It took them 3 tries and 2 doctors, but they got pregnant with their baby boy, Brayden James. I have had the pleasure of speaking to Christina a few years ago, and I reached out to her again and got a sweet message back from her last night. It is nice knowing that others have gone through this, and that it took them several attempts.

There are actually a number of celebrities who suffer from (or have suffered from) infertility and/or have gone through IVF. It is somewhat encouraging to know you're not alone in this. Something that Jennifer Aniston wrote recently in a letter really stood out to me: "We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone."

Preparing for the Worst

I hate these things! (And they are so expensive!)

My beta is tomorrow morning at 10:30am and I am preparing for the worst.

 I ended up taking HPTs on Days 6, 8, 9, 10, and 12. All negative. I started getting worried on Day 8, and the rest of my hope disseminated with each test I took. It was like letting air out of a balloon. HPTs are the devil.

I have to say that perusing message boards at this time was not helpful, especially when other women, who had transfers on or around the same day as me, were starting to see faint positive lines on their tests. I would say probably 90% of the messages I read of people with successful betas had seen positive lines by Days 5-9 or were those who never did HPTs at home. I had pretty much succumbed to defeat until I spoke to my friend Anna online last night. She started the IVF process a month ahead of me (and did a fresh transfer) and is now at the beginning of her 2nd trimester with a baby girl. She told me she did not get a positive until the morning of her beta (Day 14). That did give me a faint glimmer of hope, but the cheap dollar store HPT I took today (Day 12) was clearly negative, so that quickly went out the door.

Part of me is still praying for a miracle, but I know I should not get my hopes up or count on anything positive coming out of tomorrow. I'm dreading the phone call tomorrow afternoon because I know it will be the last nail in the coffin. And let me tell you, each of the negatives on these tests killed me a little bit. You build up so much anxiety and hope to see the faintest of lines because maybe, just maybe today your body has made enough HCG to detect, and even just a faint line is enough to give you some sort of relief...and of course, that positive line would of course provide that relief...but no line means the exact opposite of relief. It's devastation. It's getting the wind knocked out of you. It's having your heart wrenched out of your chest. It's your world crashing down. It's the worst stomachache in the world. It's absolutely the worst feeling in the world, and nobody else could ever possibly understand it unless they've been in your exact shoes. 

I just devoted 4 months (and my entire summer vacation) to this, the countless injections, the hormones, the pain, the dietary restrictions, the physical restrictions, the mental anguish, the loss, the mourning, the money, putting all my eggs (literally) into 1 basket...and to watch it succumb to nothing.

My biggest frustration is we have to start all over again. We only had the 1 normal embryo (and 1 that is currently being re-tested)...so unless the last embryo is normal, we will have to go through STIMS once again, and then more testing, and then another FET...and the next time I will have 4 months to devote to this is next summer, a year from now. Right now I do not know how I can possibly get through teaching another 2 semesters before we can try again. This does not even seem feasible to me. I do not have the energy, strength, or capability to even think about prepping 4 classes which start in less than a month. 

One thing I've learned from this FET cycle is that HPTs are a bad idea. I do not recommend them to anyone. The best case scenario is that you see a positive at some point and your joy comes sooner than your beta. The worst case scenario is that your hope is crushed a little bit each time you test, and then crushed completely on beta day. I think that having it crushed just one time would be so much better than 6 times. I can't promise I wouldn't do them again next time, but I do know I wish I hadn't done them this time.

The beta is in 10.5 hours. Praying for the best; preparing for the worst.

Trolls

I saw this IVF baby announcement in the headlines yesterday. I read the article because it is relevant to me, gasped at the number of injections (since I begin stims Friday), and then made the mistake of reading some of the comments.

The majority of the commentary is supportive and positive, but there are a few comments that are extremely ignorant and downright mean. I mean, it's the Internet after all; what do I expect?

I thought I'd post some of those comments here, post some of the meaningful responses to them, and address some of them myself. 



"Maybe you just aren't meant to have kids..."

There seems to be many comments like this one pointing out that this woman "wasn't meant to have kids" because her body was obviously telling her not to. This frustrates me because people often assume that infertility is always a woman's issue--it's not. "Infertility is often believed to be a woman's problem. However, studies indicate that 30% of infertility is related to male factor problems such as structural abnormalities, sperm production disorders, ejaculatory disturbances and immunologic disorders" (RESOLVE, 2016). This hits particularly close to home given our particular situation. I particularly like Galyna's response to Marcus.

"If you have the money to do IVF, why don't you adopt?"

This is another common one. My response is that not everyone is called to adopt. Adoption, just like IVF, isn't for everyone...so why do people who can afford IVF (and are considering it) have to be the only ones to consider adoption? There are plenty of "privileged" fertile people out there that "should" consider it too. Many argue that adoption is "free" or "cheaper" than IVF through the foster care system, but why doesn't that pressure fall on everyone else too, not just people who choose to try IVF? There are also many that are able to afford IVF because of their insurance, but may no be able to afford adoption.

Not all adoptions are free. According to American Adoptions, the average total cost of adopting through a domestic adoption agency is $39,966 (including agency fees, legal fees, birth mother expenses, and advertising/networking). International adoption averaged $36,338 in China, $45,960 in Ethiopia, and $40,067 in Ukraine from 2012-2013. Going through your state's foster care system is "the least expensive method" but again, "foster care adoption is not for everyone and presents it's share of challenges to adoptive families." There are also home study fees, attorney fees, and travel expenses involved. 

Adoption itself can be a controversial topic with people criticizing those who choose to adopt internationally vs. domestically, or those who prefer to go through a private agency vs. their state's foster care system. Again, I think people can be overly critical and judgmental. I think most couples think long and hard about what they feel led to do, and what they feel is best for their family and given situation. My husband actually has 2 adopted siblings, we have many friends who are adopted, and we know many that have adopted or are in the process of adopting. I think this is great. I also don't think we would never consider adopting, but we have decided we want to try IVF at this point in time. This is our choice and our decision. 

I've also heard many stories where foster care and adoption ended in devastating heartbreak. There may be so much more to why a couple has chosen to try IVF instead of adoption, and vice versa. The thing is, you don't know their particular situation, so don't make hasty judgments! Some friends of ours have been going through the international adoption process for 3 years, and it will probably be another year before they are able to bring their child home. This has been a long and frustrating experience for them.

I love some of these responses:

"This cant be healthy..."

This is a legitimate concern. There are many drugs and hormones involved with the IVF procedure, as well as many of the other non-IVF fertility procedures. Calling IVF "Frankensteinish" is a little brash, but I can understand why. People wonder how IVF affects the mother as well as the baby. I think that most couples going through IVF do a lot of thinking and research, and seriously weigh the risks and benefits before jumping in. The truth is that 1978 (the first IVF pregnancy) is not that long ago, and more research remains to be done. I will say that I know several people who have healthy, intelligent children as a result of IVF. In fact, one of my students this year was an IVF baby, and she was at the top of the class. I also know that there may be future health risks involved. However, again, I weighed the risks and benefits just like I do when I take any new medication or vaccine, and I decided that the benefits outweighed the risks in our case.

 "Congrats!"

The majority of the comments were positive and encouraging. It's nice to see people be happy for and kind towards others. 

I will admit I was a little hurt when I read some of the negative comments posted on the Yahoo! version of this story, and I made the mistake of reading some of the corresponding FB and Today.com comments, but my mom made me feel better about the situation. She reminded me of the many Internet trolls that have nothing better to do than to post controversial comments to get others riled up. She also reminded me that my decision to try IVF was between me, my husband, and God, and that it was no one else's business but ours.

We still haven't told anyone beyond our parents and a few close friends about our choice to try IVF. I honestly don't know what people will say, how they will react, or if they will support our decision. I admit I'm a bit nervous about it...but right now I am focusing on the task ahead--mainly, starting my stims injections in a few days--and we will cross that bridge when the time comes. 

My point in writing this post is to encourage you to not to let others get you down. Remember that some people are naive, some people are ignorant, and some people are just downright mean...but the majority of people are kind, encouraging, and supportive. Focus on the comments and well wishes of those people, and don't let the trolls and ugly hearts get you down!