Preparing for the Worst

I hate these things! (And they are so expensive!)

My beta is tomorrow morning at 10:30am and I am preparing for the worst.

 I ended up taking HPTs on Days 6, 8, 9, 10, and 12. All negative. I started getting worried on Day 8, and the rest of my hope disseminated with each test I took. It was like letting air out of a balloon. HPTs are the devil.

I have to say that perusing message boards at this time was not helpful, especially when other women, who had transfers on or around the same day as me, were starting to see faint positive lines on their tests. I would say probably 90% of the messages I read of people with successful betas had seen positive lines by Days 5-9 or were those who never did HPTs at home. I had pretty much succumbed to defeat until I spoke to my friend Anna online last night. She started the IVF process a month ahead of me (and did a fresh transfer) and is now at the beginning of her 2nd trimester with a baby girl. She told me she did not get a positive until the morning of her beta (Day 14). That did give me a faint glimmer of hope, but the cheap dollar store HPT I took today (Day 12) was clearly negative, so that quickly went out the door.

Part of me is still praying for a miracle, but I know I should not get my hopes up or count on anything positive coming out of tomorrow. I'm dreading the phone call tomorrow afternoon because I know it will be the last nail in the coffin. And let me tell you, each of the negatives on these tests killed me a little bit. You build up so much anxiety and hope to see the faintest of lines because maybe, just maybe today your body has made enough HCG to detect, and even just a faint line is enough to give you some sort of relief...and of course, that positive line would of course provide that relief...but no line means the exact opposite of relief. It's devastation. It's getting the wind knocked out of you. It's having your heart wrenched out of your chest. It's your world crashing down. It's the worst stomachache in the world. It's absolutely the worst feeling in the world, and nobody else could ever possibly understand it unless they've been in your exact shoes. 

I just devoted 4 months (and my entire summer vacation) to this, the countless injections, the hormones, the pain, the dietary restrictions, the physical restrictions, the mental anguish, the loss, the mourning, the money, putting all my eggs (literally) into 1 basket...and to watch it succumb to nothing.

My biggest frustration is we have to start all over again. We only had the 1 normal embryo (and 1 that is currently being re-tested)...so unless the last embryo is normal, we will have to go through STIMS once again, and then more testing, and then another FET...and the next time I will have 4 months to devote to this is next summer, a year from now. Right now I do not know how I can possibly get through teaching another 2 semesters before we can try again. This does not even seem feasible to me. I do not have the energy, strength, or capability to even think about prepping 4 classes which start in less than a month. 

One thing I've learned from this FET cycle is that HPTs are a bad idea. I do not recommend them to anyone. The best case scenario is that you see a positive at some point and your joy comes sooner than your beta. The worst case scenario is that your hope is crushed a little bit each time you test, and then crushed completely on beta day. I think that having it crushed just one time would be so much better than 6 times. I can't promise I wouldn't do them again next time, but I do know I wish I hadn't done them this time.

The beta is in 10.5 hours. Praying for the best; preparing for the worst.

I Caved.

I was sitting at my desk doing some work for my summer class and I started getting those Aunt Flo cramps. Not only have I been feeling those cramps, but I have had that "heavy" feeling exactly the way I feel when I know my period is coming. My period is due on or around Friday, 7.22.16 (which is in ~2 days). I was so "sure" that they were period cramps that I caved and took a home pregnancy test (HPT). My hands were literally shaking as I tried to unwrap the plastic from the box. Results? Negative.

Right now I am really discouraged and bummed. I know it may be too early to take a pregnancy test or expect to see any sort of positive result (~5dp5dt) but I was hoping to see at least the faintest of lines so that I could stop worrying.

I am mad at myself for caving and taking the dang test, but I'm also just upset at the results and this entire process. I know the road's not over yet, but I just know my period is coming...I can feel it. I know there are many women out there who felt period-like symptoms, had a negative HPT at 5 days post transfer, and went on to have a positive a few days later...but I just can't help but worry that that's not the case for me.

This. Is. Seriously. The. Worst.

The Phone Call

David and I had only been trying to conceive for a month when we got our diagnosis. When I told my OB/GYN that we were trying, she suggested that David have a SA done, due to his medical history. The urologist ordered the SA as well as some other tests. One afternoon after coming home from work, I got that phone call from my husband. His doctor had just given him some devastating news after reviewing the lab results. I hung up on him.

I spent the next 3-4 hours making phone call after phone call, calling doctor after doctor. It had been so long since I had felt this way: hopeless, disconsolate, heartbroken. I didn't know what to do, nor where to turn.

I can name at least 6 friends who are currently suffering from infertility, some of it unexplained. Many have been trying for years. My heart goes out to them. Here we were, trying for a mere few weeks, and we already knew it wasn't going to happen. In some ways, that phone call became a blessing. Instead of trying for years to no avail, we know what we are up against and we know what we have to do. This is not at all the path we had planned, and it is going to be a long and scary journey. Almost every day, I feel guilty that we even have this opportunity...but my mom said something so comforting to me: she told me that we were given this opportunity and we should take it...that we shouldn't feel guilty because we were blessed with the chance to give this a try. 

If you haven't seen a doctor yet...
For those of you who have been trying to conceive and are losing hope, I highly recommend that you speak to your OB/GYN or urologist and have some testing done. It may seem expensive up front, but it can save you months of frustration. I would suggest first having a SA done (by a clinic or lab). The reason I suggest a lab (vs. an at-home test) is because the lab is able to look for things like sperm count, motility, velocity, morphology, volume, and liquefaction. While at-home tests measure sperm count, this is only one factor in a man's fertility. A normal sperm count may not necessarily indicate if you are fertile or not. Home tests only determine concentration, and do not measure other import factors, many common causes which are missed with these at-home tests. Having the male partner tested with an SA is going to be less invasive and less expensive than having the woman tested first. 

If the SA results are normal, I suggest moving on to the next step: having the female partner tested. Again, if infertility is not covered by your insurance, this may seem expensive, but in the end, it may save you much frustration. Your doctor may recommend an HSG, which can diagnose fallopian tube blockages and uterus defects. Another test is a transvaginal ultrasound, where the doctor can view images of the ovaries and uterus and determine if there are any follicles in the ovaries. These 2-3 tests may just give you the answers you are looking for, and help determine what further routes (if any) you want to pursue next. And if you don't want to pursue anything further, that's okay too.

I am so glad I spoke to my OB/GYN and she suggested we have the SA done. I am also thankful my husband's urologist ordered further tests. Doing this so early in the game has saved us months (if not years) of frustration, and though we received some heartbreaking news, we are blessed to have the opportunity to move forward.