Update - Part 1

It has been a month since my transfer and boy, has it been a whirlwind!

My transfer (on Thursday, 11/10/16) went well. I went to my acupuncture appointment beforehand, suffered through the discomfort of a full bladder during the transfer, went to my follow up acupuncture appointment, and then went home and rested. While I took things pretty easy last time, I was even more "lazy" this time around and stayed in bed (or lied on the couch) for essentially the entire time I was at home (Thursday-Monday). I even switched my flight to a day later to give myself an extra day. I ate pineapple core, walnuts and Brazil nuts, drank pomegranate juice, and kept my feet warm. I was extra careful to sleep on my back only, and then eventually started sleeping on my sides as well. 

Embryo (5 days)

On Tuesday, 11/15/16, I flew back home. David met me at the airport, and as soon as we got my luggage, we hopped in the car and stopped in a random parking lot so he could give me my Progesterone injection. The next day, I went back to work. I had 2 days of work that week, and thankfully, only 1 the next (since it was the week of Thanksgiving). I tried to use automatic doors and take the elevator as much as I possibly could. We spent Thanksgiving with friends, but other than that, I laid low and tried to use as little energy/strength as possible.

I had every intention of not doing a HPT, but on the evening of Friday, 11/18/16 (8dp5dt), David (forgot) and playfully smacked me on my butt, which immediately made me start freaking out. I gave in to my anxieties and took a cheap dollar store test, fully expecting it to be negative...except a faint second line finally appeared after the full 5 minute wait! At first, I thought it was a phantom line, and I read and re-read the instructions. After the wait time, it was clear that while light, there was definitely a second line! I called him into the bathroom and asked him what he saw. I think his reply was something like, "I'm going to be very cautious before believing anything." All the anxieties, fear, and worry, immediately rushed away. I could not believe it!

The next day, and the next day, and the next day, I took several more dollar store tests. I checked to see if the second line was still there and if it was getting darker. I even splurged and got a First Response Early Result test, and the second line was darker than the control line.

What was so weird was that during my 2ww, I did not have many symptoms at all, if any. The first transfer, I had headaches, cramping, heartburn, nausea...this time around, I had a couple headaches that I attributed to the injections...but a few days before taking the HPT, I remember sleeping with my hands on my abdomen, and I felt pregnant. Of course, I dismissed the idea, since I didn't know what it felt like to be pregnant. 

Finding out I was pregnant was the most amazing feeling in the world, but it sucked because the only person I could share it with was David. We didn't want to share it with anyone else until I had passed all my beta tests and possibly even heard the heartbeat. My first beta was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving, so we thought it would be perfect to tell my parents (who were visiting my brother) on Thanksgiving day. I was so nervous on the day of the beta (11/23/16), but was so excited when my nurse called me. She said, "Congratulations. You're pregnant!" and told me that my HCG level was at 665.7, which was higher than I had expected. My second beta was scheduled for the day after Thanksgiving, 11/25/16, and the number rose to 1,690. The third was that following Monday, 11/28/16, and it was 6,013!

I thought that getting a positive on a HPT would make everything super easy from there on out, but I was so wrong. With IVF, you are faced with so many hurdles during the entire process, and no sooner do you make it over one, that you are faced with ten more. The doctor wants to see your betas rise (preferably by 65%) with each test. After that, you are scheduled for ultrasounds at 6-7 weeks and then again at 8-9 weeks. He expects to see major milestones in development such as a fetal pole and yolk sac, and a heartbeat, before he is comfortable enough to release you into the care of your OBGYN. After each of these tests, I would be relieved to receive good results, but then start worrying about what would happen next. 

To be continued...

Preparing for the Worst

I hate these things! (And they are so expensive!)

My beta is tomorrow morning at 10:30am and I am preparing for the worst.

 I ended up taking HPTs on Days 6, 8, 9, 10, and 12. All negative. I started getting worried on Day 8, and the rest of my hope disseminated with each test I took. It was like letting air out of a balloon. HPTs are the devil.

I have to say that perusing message boards at this time was not helpful, especially when other women, who had transfers on or around the same day as me, were starting to see faint positive lines on their tests. I would say probably 90% of the messages I read of people with successful betas had seen positive lines by Days 5-9 or were those who never did HPTs at home. I had pretty much succumbed to defeat until I spoke to my friend Anna online last night. She started the IVF process a month ahead of me (and did a fresh transfer) and is now at the beginning of her 2nd trimester with a baby girl. She told me she did not get a positive until the morning of her beta (Day 14). That did give me a faint glimmer of hope, but the cheap dollar store HPT I took today (Day 12) was clearly negative, so that quickly went out the door.

Part of me is still praying for a miracle, but I know I should not get my hopes up or count on anything positive coming out of tomorrow. I'm dreading the phone call tomorrow afternoon because I know it will be the last nail in the coffin. And let me tell you, each of the negatives on these tests killed me a little bit. You build up so much anxiety and hope to see the faintest of lines because maybe, just maybe today your body has made enough HCG to detect, and even just a faint line is enough to give you some sort of relief...and of course, that positive line would of course provide that relief...but no line means the exact opposite of relief. It's devastation. It's getting the wind knocked out of you. It's having your heart wrenched out of your chest. It's your world crashing down. It's the worst stomachache in the world. It's absolutely the worst feeling in the world, and nobody else could ever possibly understand it unless they've been in your exact shoes. 

I just devoted 4 months (and my entire summer vacation) to this, the countless injections, the hormones, the pain, the dietary restrictions, the physical restrictions, the mental anguish, the loss, the mourning, the money, putting all my eggs (literally) into 1 basket...and to watch it succumb to nothing.

My biggest frustration is we have to start all over again. We only had the 1 normal embryo (and 1 that is currently being re-tested)...so unless the last embryo is normal, we will have to go through STIMS once again, and then more testing, and then another FET...and the next time I will have 4 months to devote to this is next summer, a year from now. Right now I do not know how I can possibly get through teaching another 2 semesters before we can try again. This does not even seem feasible to me. I do not have the energy, strength, or capability to even think about prepping 4 classes which start in less than a month. 

One thing I've learned from this FET cycle is that HPTs are a bad idea. I do not recommend them to anyone. The best case scenario is that you see a positive at some point and your joy comes sooner than your beta. The worst case scenario is that your hope is crushed a little bit each time you test, and then crushed completely on beta day. I think that having it crushed just one time would be so much better than 6 times. I can't promise I wouldn't do them again next time, but I do know I wish I hadn't done them this time.

The beta is in 10.5 hours. Praying for the best; preparing for the worst.

I Caved.

I was sitting at my desk doing some work for my summer class and I started getting those Aunt Flo cramps. Not only have I been feeling those cramps, but I have had that "heavy" feeling exactly the way I feel when I know my period is coming. My period is due on or around Friday, 7.22.16 (which is in ~2 days). I was so "sure" that they were period cramps that I caved and took a home pregnancy test (HPT). My hands were literally shaking as I tried to unwrap the plastic from the box. Results? Negative.

Right now I am really discouraged and bummed. I know it may be too early to take a pregnancy test or expect to see any sort of positive result (~5dp5dt) but I was hoping to see at least the faintest of lines so that I could stop worrying.

I am mad at myself for caving and taking the dang test, but I'm also just upset at the results and this entire process. I know the road's not over yet, but I just know my period is coming...I can feel it. I know there are many women out there who felt period-like symptoms, had a negative HPT at 5 days post transfer, and went on to have a positive a few days later...but I just can't help but worry that that's not the case for me.

This. Is. Seriously. The. Worst.