Not-So-Good Grief

Prior to starting our cycle I bought 4 different books on IVF and infertility. None of them cover the grief/loss period in detail. The majority of the books talk about the process of finding a doctor, different fertility treatment options, the STIMS process, transfers, etc. but then spend very little time on what happens if it doesn't work. Infertility for Dummies by Sharon Perkins and Jackie Meyers-Thompson talks about the grief process for 2 half pages (barely 1 full page). 

Injection sites after 4.5 weeks of del Estrogen and Progesterone

I think I've gone through the majority of the grief stages they discuss (borrowing from On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I'd say right now I'm still in the Depression stage, although every once in awhile I feel like I might be moving into the Acceptance stage...but then I go to sleep, wake up, and the depression hits me again. Someone told me it was "okay" for me to be "mad at God." The thing is, I'm not. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my doctors. I'm not mad at myself nor my husband. I'm just sad. I'm grieving not only the fact that it didn't work, but also the time lost, the money lost, the hope lost, the babies lost.

The doctor retrieved 19 eggs on the day of ER. The next day, we found out that 17 of those 19 eggs were mature, and 11 had fertilized. That day we already went from 19 to 17 to 11. Then by Day 7, we were left with only 4 embryos that made it to blast. That day I grieved the loss of the 7 embryos that didn't make it. A couple weeks later, we got our PGS results back and I grieved the loss of 2 more that were abnormal. The day of the beta, I grieved the loss of the embryo that made it into my womb, but didn't hold on. I'm still grieving this loss.

The past month has been full of difficult things. Our lawnmower broke. My husband's car broke down. There was an issue with my credit when we tried to refinance our home. A water pipe broke. My dog had to go to the ER. I try to look on the bright side of each of these things, but it's pretty tough to do when it feels like everything is going wrong at once. 

I really need a vacation.

Negative

I got the beta results on Wednesday (7.27.16): negative, as suspected. My HCG level was <1. I wasn't surprised to hear the news. The nurse did have some good news. The PGS results for our last (nonconcurrent embryo) came back and the embryo (grade AA) is normal. I will speak to the doctor on 8.10.16 to discuss our next steps. I think he will want to go ahead with another FET of the last embryo before moving forward with another cycle.

I start teaching at the end of August, so the next time I will have the required time off (for an FET cycle) will be in December during Winter Break--although the clinic shuts down during the holidays, so this will also be an obstacle. Another STIM cycle would have to wait until next May...this is what makes things so hard. The failed transfer is devastating, but it's even harder having to wait so long until we can try again. I worry about timing and the clock ticking, and getting through a semester (or two) of teaching. 

The day I got the news, I felt okay...and was happy to hear the news about the normal embryo...but in the days following, and especially this weekend, I have gotten more depressed. It is hard to get out of bed, to eat, to take showers. I don't want to do anything. I have 4 classes to prep for this upcoming semester, plus a textbook chapter to write, and I do not have the energy or ability to do so. I feel like I'm dying.

Did I mention that my best friend had her (first) baby the day after I found out? Of course I am happy for her, but I have to tell you I have had to unfollow so many people on social media this week. It seems like everyone is posting pictures of their baby bumps, showers, baby rooms, kids, etc. (I also decided to unfollow people who have been posting election-related stuff that I disagree with...because, really, who needs that?) 

I did come across this article about HGTV's Flip or Flop couple, Tarek and Christina El Moussa. It turns out that after they found out about Tarek's thyroid cancer, they were told they should not try to get pregnant for 6 months to a year, so they decided to sperm-bank and do IVF. It took them 3 tries and 2 doctors, but they got pregnant with their baby boy, Brayden James. I have had the pleasure of speaking to Christina a few years ago, and I reached out to her again and got a sweet message back from her last night. It is nice knowing that others have gone through this, and that it took them several attempts.

There are actually a number of celebrities who suffer from (or have suffered from) infertility and/or have gone through IVF. It is somewhat encouraging to know you're not alone in this. Something that Jennifer Aniston wrote recently in a letter really stood out to me: "We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone."