Sharing "The Story Behind of Baby Nelson"

I struggled so much with whether or not I wanted to publicly share our IVF journey (with friends, family and coworkers). David was always for it. He wanted people to know that this baby was nothing short of a miracle. I finally came around and realized he was right, and we decided to share our "IVF story" today on social media, as it's the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. I posted a Note to my FB account and so far have been overwhelmed with the support and positive responses. Here's what it says:

Dear Friends and Family, 

By now you have probably heard the wonderful news that David and I are expecting our little Nelson Nugget at the end of July. What you may not know, however, is the incredible journey we embarked on to get to this place. When David and I decided we were ready to add to our family in September of 2015, we soon discovered that it would not be so easy. To make a long story short, we learned that the only way we could conceive would be through in vitro fertilization (IVF). After meeting with our doctor in December, we prayed long and hard over this decision and did much research before deciding we wanted to continue on this journey. So for the past year, whenever anyone has asked me when we're having kids, I've just smiled...even though deep down inside I would be crying. 

As soon as I was finished teaching my spring 2016 semester, I flew to Maryland to start the IVF process. And let me tell you...it was not easy. I do not like needles, and IVF requires a lot of needles! I had my blood drawn every other day to the point that both my arms were black and blue. I had invasive ultrasounds done every other day. I learned to give myself subcutaneous injections--2 to 3 per day--and later my mom and David learned to give me nightly intramuscular injections. (In total, I have had ~108 injections.) All the while, we dealt with the emotional roller coaster that comes with IVF. There are so many hurdles you must get over before moving on to the next step, and if one fails, you have to start over. Our first transfer in July was unsuccessful; the embryo did not implant. I was devastated. I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't think I could go back to work in the fall. Yet somehow, by the grace of God, I picked myself up again. In November, I flew back to Maryland and transferred our last frozen embryo. This little miracle embryo implanted, and we are 26 weeks,1 day pregnant today. 

The reason I am sharing this is because I do not want people to think that this was an easy, planned, journey for us...because it wasn't. At the same time, we were blessed to find out about our need for IVF from the very beginning, and I am very thankful for that. I know several people who have experienced (and are experiencing) the hardships of infertility...and have experienced this for too long. My heart truly goes out to them as I can only share in some of the pain they feel. 

While I know most of you are happy for us, I know that some of you may also have some questions...and I am happy to try to answer them if you want to private message me. Please note that this is a very sensitive topic for us, so if for some reason, you are against our choice of doing IVF, please refrain from contacting me, as I do not wish to get into an argument or debate about one of the happiest moments in our lives. However, I will share that we did not have to worry about multiples, as our doctor practices elective single embryo transfer (eSET), so we only transferred 1 embryo at a time. And in our case, we are not worrying about extra, frozen embryos. We had 2 embryos and we transferred both of them. The first one did not implant, and the second one did. 

David and I just wanted to be honest and transparent about our journey. We got the good news the day before Thanksgiving and we were elated...but even then, we were not "out of the woods." I still had multiple blood tests and ultrasounds before my doctor would release me into the care of my OB/GYN. At 5 weeks, 6 days gestation, we had a scare and I ended up in the ER. I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma (SCH) and was put on bed rest. The SCH was a scary diagnosis because it is linked to an elevated risk of miscarriage or pre-term labor. (As of the 3/10/17 anatomy scan, the SCH is no longer showing up on he U/S.) Beyond the medical side of things, there are also the the financial burdens associated with this. Unfortunately, our insurance does not cover fertility treatments, so we are paying for everything out of pocket. Some have asked if they could donate to our IVF fund, and the answer is yes, we would be so very grateful. We have an IVF GoFundMe account set up here if you are interested. 

Thank you for taking the time to listen to our story. We hope this doesn't change how any of you feel about us, but we wanted our story to be heard. This week (April 23-29) is actually National Infertility Awareness Week, which felt like the perfect time to share our story with you. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples struggle to build a family? "The CDC tells us that this is 15% of couples in America. Infertility does not discriminate based on race, religion, sexuality or economic status. You never know how badly you want something until you are told that it may not be possible." For more information, please visit https://infertilityawareness.org/about-niaw. 

Love, 
Dorothy & David 

Post Note: We are overwhelmed with the positive responses we have received. To be honest, I never knew if I wanted to share this story with anyone. It’s something I’ve gone back and forth with for months. Part of me worried that we would be judged for the particular route we chose to expand our family, whether for moral, religious, or other reasons. Part of me just didn’t want the whole world to know after we’d kept this secret for so long. David is the one that encouraged me to share our story, and I’m glad he gave me that push. We’ve gotten to see Baby Nelson since she was just a small cluster of cells and it’s hard to believe that that tiny little miracle embryo is now kicking me as I write this. (She kicks even more when I eat pizza.) Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It truly means a lot. :)

Not-So-Oral Estrace

Last time I spoke to the doctor, he had mentioned that my lining (at the last FET) was about 8.6mm (they aim for over 8) but that he would consider adding in an Estrace suppository this time around. I asked the nurse about this, and the doctor agreed that I could add in the vaginal Estrace. I was expecting her to call in a new script, but (unlike Progesterone), there is no "official Estrace suppository" and you just take the exact same pill vaginally! That's right...you stick that little blue pill up there.

I started this last night and am hoping it will help to increase my lining this time. It is a bizarre thing to do, but I spoke to two nurses about it (and read a few online message boards). I highly recommend wearing a pantyliner!

All in all, even with the extra steps of taking 2 pills (orally and vaginally) 2 times a day, it is much better to take the pills than to do the injections. You only have to do the injection once every few days, but there's so much involved with the injection (time of night, numbing, drawing up medication, switching needles, injecting, heating pad, etc.)...not to mention that I can't give it to myself since it's very hard to reach back there. The pills allow me to be much more independent, but just require that I have 2 alarms set every day.

I was looking at my calendar and I can't believe the transfer is only about 2 weeks away. I am not looking forward to the actual transfer (with the full bladder) and I am certainly not looking forward to the 2-week wait! Hopefully, it won't be as dreadful this time around. I am telling myself now that I will not do any at-home pregnancy tests this time. I am hoping I can exercise enough self-control.

Not-So-Good Grief

Prior to starting our cycle I bought 4 different books on IVF and infertility. None of them cover the grief/loss period in detail. The majority of the books talk about the process of finding a doctor, different fertility treatment options, the STIMS process, transfers, etc. but then spend very little time on what happens if it doesn't work. Infertility for Dummies by Sharon Perkins and Jackie Meyers-Thompson talks about the grief process for 2 half pages (barely 1 full page). 

Injection sites after 4.5 weeks of del Estrogen and Progesterone

I think I've gone through the majority of the grief stages they discuss (borrowing from On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I'd say right now I'm still in the Depression stage, although every once in awhile I feel like I might be moving into the Acceptance stage...but then I go to sleep, wake up, and the depression hits me again. Someone told me it was "okay" for me to be "mad at God." The thing is, I'm not. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my doctors. I'm not mad at myself nor my husband. I'm just sad. I'm grieving not only the fact that it didn't work, but also the time lost, the money lost, the hope lost, the babies lost.

The doctor retrieved 19 eggs on the day of ER. The next day, we found out that 17 of those 19 eggs were mature, and 11 had fertilized. That day we already went from 19 to 17 to 11. Then by Day 7, we were left with only 4 embryos that made it to blast. That day I grieved the loss of the 7 embryos that didn't make it. A couple weeks later, we got our PGS results back and I grieved the loss of 2 more that were abnormal. The day of the beta, I grieved the loss of the embryo that made it into my womb, but didn't hold on. I'm still grieving this loss.

The past month has been full of difficult things. Our lawnmower broke. My husband's car broke down. There was an issue with my credit when we tried to refinance our home. A water pipe broke. My dog had to go to the ER. I try to look on the bright side of each of these things, but it's pretty tough to do when it feels like everything is going wrong at once. 

I really need a vacation.

1st and 2nd night of Stims

I did it. I gave myself 2 injections last night.

Last night I went to see my friend, Vince, play a show in WV, and then left early to get home before 10:00pm to give myself my first injections. My mom was by my side, but I insisted on doing everything myself.

Currently, I am taking 175 IU of Gonal-f and 75 IU of Menopur. Gonal-f is refrigerated, and can come in the Redi-ject pen, which is a disposable, pre-filled, and ready-to-use. You just dial your dosage, screw on the needle, and inject. Gonal-f (Gonadotropin FSH) is a follicle stimulating hormone that basically makes multiple follicles (cysts containing eggs), and causes multiple eggs to grow to a mature size. The Menopur needs to be reconstituted with sodium chloride solution (sterile water). Then you draw it up in a syringe from the vial and inject it. Menopur has 2 kinds of hormonal activity: FSH (which helps increase egg production, like Gonal-f) and LH activity (which assists with ovulation).

I did the Gonal-f first, because I knew the Menopur was going to sting. I will say that both needles were small and did not really hurt that much going in. The Gonal-f does not sting, but the pen trigger bothers me because I'm not able to watch as the medicine goes in, the way you can with a regular syringe. Mixing the Menopur is an art form, and I had to watch the instructional videos several times. It's really hard to get every drop of medicine out of those vials into the syringe. The Menopur does sting, and it seems to sting more toward the end. It's not unbearable, it's just uncomfortable. 

Left: Look how cute this little Sharps container is!
Right: The Menopur comes with vials of sodium chloride solution you use for reconstitution.

Last night, I felt good after my injections and I was really proud of myself. Today I am feeling a little depressed realizing I'll be doing this everyday (and eventually twice a day) for a couple weeks. I really cannot imagine doing multiple rounds of IVF. There is so much involved!

I think the hardest part, for me, is the isolation. This is a very lonely process, especially with my husband and friends nearly 2,200 miles away. Since we haven't told many people, I can't really post about anything on social media, which is hard. I am one of those people that really thrives on the support and encouragement received from others on social media...and since I can't really talk about my experience, I am relying on the support and encouragement of the few people that know about it...and of course, most everyone is super busy and preoccupied with their own lives, so I don't want to trouble them with my woes.

Right now I really just want to lie on my couch under my favorite blanket, snuggle my Golden Retriever, watch a cheesy Lifetime movie, and cry. Part of me wants to tell everyone, "Hey, this is what I'm doing. Look how brave I am giving myself injections every night. I'm doing this so that maybe we can have a baby. This. Really. Sucks." But I can't. 

So instead, I am trying my best to stay sane...I'm working out as much as I can within the restrictions I've been given. Under doctor's orders, I've eliminated alcohol and caffeine from my diet, and the only painkillers I can take are Extra Strength Tylenol (meaning my normal go-to for headaches, Advil, is out.) 

This is going to be a long couple of weeks...

Baseline Appointment & Starting Stims

I finished my birth control pills yesterday, so today was my baseline appointment at the clinic. They drew my blood and then did a (vaginal) ultrasound (u/s) to check the follicles in my ovaries. The doctor said that my uterine lining is thin (as expected) and although it took them awhile to find my left ovary (which was hiding), all my follicles look evenly sized, which is good.

My nurse called this afternoon and said my bloodwork (bw) and u/s results look good, so I should begin my stimulation (stim) injections on Friday. I will start with 2 injections in the evening only (Gonal-f and Menopur) and then they will do more bw and another u/s on Monday, and then again on Wednesday. 

I am super nervous about giving myself the injections. My parents have offered to do them for me, and my mom also has a friend (former nurse) who has offered to help, but I feel like I need to suck it up and learn how to do it myself (at least the subcutaneous injections). Even though I'm only doing them once in the evening now, I may eventually need to do them twice a day, and it's likely I will have to give them to myself at some point. I've read that the Menopur stings, so I'm apprehensive about that. I had to give subcutaneous injections to my dog before, so hopefully I can learn to do it to myself too.

I asked the doctor and nurse if I can continue working out, and they both said that moderate exercise should be okay. Hopefully that will help keep me busy and my mind from worrying!