Negative

I got the beta results on Wednesday (7.27.16): negative, as suspected. My HCG level was <1. I wasn't surprised to hear the news. The nurse did have some good news. The PGS results for our last (nonconcurrent embryo) came back and the embryo (grade AA) is normal. I will speak to the doctor on 8.10.16 to discuss our next steps. I think he will want to go ahead with another FET of the last embryo before moving forward with another cycle.

I start teaching at the end of August, so the next time I will have the required time off (for an FET cycle) will be in December during Winter Break--although the clinic shuts down during the holidays, so this will also be an obstacle. Another STIM cycle would have to wait until next May...this is what makes things so hard. The failed transfer is devastating, but it's even harder having to wait so long until we can try again. I worry about timing and the clock ticking, and getting through a semester (or two) of teaching. 

The day I got the news, I felt okay...and was happy to hear the news about the normal embryo...but in the days following, and especially this weekend, I have gotten more depressed. It is hard to get out of bed, to eat, to take showers. I don't want to do anything. I have 4 classes to prep for this upcoming semester, plus a textbook chapter to write, and I do not have the energy or ability to do so. I feel like I'm dying.

Did I mention that my best friend had her (first) baby the day after I found out? Of course I am happy for her, but I have to tell you I have had to unfollow so many people on social media this week. It seems like everyone is posting pictures of their baby bumps, showers, baby rooms, kids, etc. (I also decided to unfollow people who have been posting election-related stuff that I disagree with...because, really, who needs that?) 

I did come across this article about HGTV's Flip or Flop couple, Tarek and Christina El Moussa. It turns out that after they found out about Tarek's thyroid cancer, they were told they should not try to get pregnant for 6 months to a year, so they decided to sperm-bank and do IVF. It took them 3 tries and 2 doctors, but they got pregnant with their baby boy, Brayden James. I have had the pleasure of speaking to Christina a few years ago, and I reached out to her again and got a sweet message back from her last night. It is nice knowing that others have gone through this, and that it took them several attempts.

There are actually a number of celebrities who suffer from (or have suffered from) infertility and/or have gone through IVF. It is somewhat encouraging to know you're not alone in this. Something that Jennifer Aniston wrote recently in a letter really stood out to me: "We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone."